It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted. It’s also been over 6 months since I’ve had any issues with my bulimia (6 months and a week to be exact). That is a major milestone, and I can’t recall the last time I’ve had such a solid stretch with no issues– hoo-freakin-ray!
Let me back up a few months and share a little about the change of my mindset. I spent a lot of time alone over Memorial Day weekend. Which is usually terrible for my B, but on the Saturday of that weekend I took myself paddleboarding on a river near my house and spent over 2 hours in quiet and nothingness. I’m an introvert and am usually good on my own, but I also usually have a computer, tv, phone with which I can distract myself. Two hours of solitude on a river is a bit much, even for me.
And while I was out there, I realized that no one can (or will) take care of me the way I can. (You may want to read that again.) YOU are best equipped to take care of YOU. And I started thinking, what if I end up alone for the rest of my life? What sort of shape will my body be in if I’ve tortured it endlessly with bingeing and purging? And to what end? It’s HARD WORK dealing with and processing uncomfortable emotions and situations. But I realized it’s even worse to abuse my body instead of doing that work and standing up for the person I was created to be. It was like I gave myself permission to take care of ME. To not give a damn about what other people thought of me. It feels so small as I type this out, but it was a huge revelation for me and has been a huge part of my healing.
So. I haven’t purged since Memorial Day Weekend. It is an understatement to say it hasn’t been easy. But it’s also not been as hard as I thought it would be. I’ve seriously thought about B/P less than ten times. But I’ve been consumed by thoughts of food/calories/weight gain. I’ve gained about 6 lbs. In the big scheme of things, not a big deal, but it certainly seems like one. So I guess I’m still working through my relationship with food and exercise and getting healthy. I’m not recovered by any means (I think once I stop obsessing over what I eat I’ll consider myself further along in recovery), but I have to keep reminding myself that a 6 month stretch of not purging after dealing with this on and off for 16 years is HUGE. It’s a step in the right direction.
I’m sharing this in hopes my epiphany on the river can help someone else. Please email me : firstname.lastname@example.org if you ever need someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through. The holidays can be rough. It’s bad enough that I judge myself all the time, being under family scrutiny is even worse. But I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now. Perfectly imperfect. I’m on a journey of health and freedom, and that is a huge weight off my shoulders. I’m praying that everyone who reads this makes a step forward in their own journey today.