I promised myself I would start posting when I am in not so great place, so here I am. This will probably be a short post, because I feel like a long one would be wallowing in where I am, but to be frank, I feel like I am drowning. I feel this heaviness most in the mornings and evenings. B hasn’t been at it’s worst lately, but it creeps up on me as the day wears on. I have lost the desire for a real binge, which is a godsend I suppose. But it’s as if this monster is looming over me, when finally it wrestles me to the ground by the end of the day.
For the moment, I’m blaming this muckiness on the time of year. My birthday is coming up… in my head 32 seems so much dramatically older than 31… but honestly the only thing I can focus on is that I’ve been at this battle against B for over a year , and it feels like I’ve made no progress. As if I have wasted the last 12 months of my life. I have made progress in therapy, I think?, but the fact that I have been struggling with this for 15 years is mind-numbing and I go back to feeling like I’m choking under the weight of this illness. I just want it to be over — I want the things I know in my head to be true (that I am loved, that I am unique, that I am WORTH my recovery) to start playing out in my life. How can the disconnect be this vast?
I have no answers in this moment, but I’m praying for relief and begging God for mercy.