I promised myself I would start posting when I am in not so great place, so here I am.  This will probably be a short post, because I feel like a long one would be wallowing in where I am, but to be frank, I feel like I am drowning.  I feel this heaviness most in the mornings and evenings.  B hasn’t been at it’s worst lately, but it creeps up on me as the day wears on.  I have lost the desire for a real binge, which is a godsend I suppose.  But it’s as if this monster is looming over me, when finally it wrestles me to the ground by the end of the day.

For the moment, I’m blaming this muckiness on the time of year.  My birthday is coming up… in my head 32 seems so much dramatically older than 31… but honestly the only thing I can focus on is that I’ve been at this battle against B for over a year , and it feels like I’ve made no progress.  As if I have wasted the last 12 months of my life.  I have made progress in therapy, I think?, but the fact that I have been struggling with this for 15 years is mind-numbing and I go back to feeling like I’m choking under the weight of this illness.  I just want it to be over — I want the things I know in my head to be true (that I am loved, that I am unique, that I am WORTH my recovery) to start playing out in my life.  How can the disconnect be this vast?

I have no answers in this moment, but I’m praying for relief and begging God for mercy.


2 thoughts on “Underwater

  1. I totally feel you on this one as this time of year often brings similar feelings for me. It’s easy to let that downward spiral of thinking take you to a dark place. I wish I had the magic words to say to lift you out of the water, but in all honesty, I think it’s just something we all have to swim through every so often :/
    I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I’m right there with you — especially that last paragraph about wanting SO badly for everything you know in your head to be accepted by your heart. We’ll get there one day… In the meantime, keep swimming.
    (And 32’s not that bad, I promise 😉 )

    • Ah – means the world to me to know that someone else gets it. I’m already in a better place than when I wrote this, and I know enough about this to be grateful for this very moment. 🙂 Thanks for your note, hope you have a great weekend!

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