in the moment

I only want to post when I’m in a good place with my eating disorder.  And I really hate that.  I think it’s our human tendency, to only want to show the best side of ourselves, but then again, this is a blog about my eating disorder so I think I’ve left the “everything is roses” by the wayside a long time ago.  For me is it’s much harder to full-on face what’s going on in my head and go into detail about how messed up my thinking is.  Because on the good days, I can see how messed up my thinking is, but on the bad days it’s much cloudier and easy to rationalize.

As you may have already guessed, things have been pretty good the last few days.  But I’ll give you a recap of when they weren’t.

First of all, I keep a paper calendar where I write out meetings/dinners with friends/events/birthdays, etc.  It has also morphed into a log of my “good days,” keeping tabs of when I’ve worked out, my weight, etc.  The last two are borderline unhealthy, and at some point I am confident I’ll let them go, but for now they’re part of the calendar.  The past three days have been good, and by God’s grace I will make it to four.  But the days before weren’t so good, and here’s a little about that (and how I still see growth).

Vacations wreck me.  Leading up to it, I feel like I have to be a certain weight in order to go on vacation– I have this fear I will look terrible in pictures– and during vacation I feel like I have to be an an “it’s vacation!” mentality, so I eat and drink whatever I want (or even sometimes don’t want).  So there is usually purging involved.  I look back on so many trips and, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the destination, being with friends, etc., but there is always this cloud over the weekend as I remember the purging during the trip.

But everything I am learning about my eating disorder is starting to change that.  I have been doing a lot of reading lately about addictions (another post) and accepting myself (ok – now starting a list), and it’s totally shifting the way I look at my eating disorder and myself.  I went to Vegas this weekend with a friend (ha, yet another post), and it was the first time I didn’t have this crazy overeat/purge mentality.  It’s not to say I didn’t purge, because I did, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it normally is (I’m actually going to call that a win), and I felt like when it happened, it was my f*cked up security blanket more than a need to get rid of anything.  I walked away from the weekend feeling like I can actually go on vacation without it becoming a downward spiral of guilt and self-loathing– and I had a great time!

Ultimately it’s all about living IN THE MOMENT.  Loving who I am, where I am, and with whom I am spending my time– and if I don’t like any of it, I have the power to change it!  I’m an adult!  I can choose my surroundings, I can choose what I think about myself, and I can choose to not let this ED rob my joy.

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