tunnel vision

As anyone who has ever struggled with addiction or an eating disorder or any other annoying habit knows, the process of freedom is not an easy one.  I have been actively working with my therapist for over a year to “beat” bulimia.  To say it has been a hard, up-and-down journey is putting it lightly.  As I mentioned in a previous post, my therapist is trained in somatic experiencing, and a lot of our work has been focused on how my body feels.  Which a really odd thing to hear the first (thousand) times, but I’m finally getting the hang of doing what feels right to me and not putting myself in situations that don’t feel right in my body.  Our body is really intuitive and we have this really beautiful opportunity to put our trust in a powerful, intelligent force that wants what is best for us.

There have been many times over the last year when I’ve said “I see the light at the end of the tunnel.”  I was thinking that my battle with bulimia would be over soon, and I would be able to wrap a nice little bow around it and be glad it was out of my life.  But over a year later, it’s still something that occupies space in my life (albiet a smaller one than it did a year ago).  And the control freak and perfectionist in me finds that really annoying.

My problem is — I didn’t realize this is a really long tunnel.  And once I get in the frame of mind that the long, hard journey isn’t meant to rob me of my hope, but to strengthen me, I am actually a tiny bit grateful for the person I am becoming.  I will be stronger because of this battle.  This tunnel will prepare me for the next one, and one day, I hope I’m in a position speak life into someone else’s struggle with bulimia.  My “tunnel vision” is not one of despair, but one that sees the glory that is on the other side.